the social network

what’s the problem with being socially awkward? lacking skills to make you shine in a crowd? needing a little help with talking to that cute girl across the room? mark zuckerberg’s (likely exaggerated) hollywood depiction apparently lacks that pleasant vibe and positive presence, yet he seems to be doing just fine. to date just under 860,000 people “like” him on facebook. that’s better than twice the “liking” power of the now famous brangelina duo. plus they’re hot (not to mention relatively talented).

and so this got me thinking. is social finesse or being part of that collective network advantageous at all? do we need it? are we humans built to be public creatures that roam in packs or do headphones and a decent playlist suffice? let me preface this by saying i’m not at all a one man show. i do go out often, rub shoulders, have friends and network with those sharing my space. but that’s beside the point. i truly am interested in the notion of disconnecting and, for the most part, being alone.

think, for a moment, about how much richer your life has become because you know this many more people. about those shared experiences and how they impact on who you are today. the jobs you’ve had and the romantic relationships you’ve been in. the countless meets, greets, lunches and small talk…the shmoozing and boozing, conversations about the weather and infinite gossip. after all of that public relations work and the small victories it’s created, are you left with anything of much value? anything you’d trade for, say, your health?

i’m not critiquing those who have a larger social network, or even siding with the zuckerbergs of this world who’s focus on work keeps them at a safe distance from the mess that is society. i just want to know if it’s worth it. if all that time, energy, money we spend on being quasi-celebrities pays back in some substantial way that doesn’t only resemble distraction?

i realize the answer must be somewhere in between. i just don’t know where on that spectrum social awkwardness wins out. do you? (note: your facebook friend count will provide a clear hint)

UPDATE: just discovered rentafriend.com. shit just got real!

they dance

i miss writing. i really do. there’s something beautiful about nurturing a thought, constructing an argument to give it weight, and then writing it out in a manner that’s relevant, humorous and (my personal favorite) causes one to reflect on his/her own personal life.

time is not the culprit, i am. my priorities have been with work, with figuring this all out, and with establishing a place amongst those peers who can help me reach my goals. words continue to flirt, dance and clash…for now though only in my head.

i have too many posts about not keeping this page up to date. i’ll stop doing that. i’ll make time. i’ll construct and play a tune these letters, words, expressions and ideas can waltz to.

getting caught

it happens. in fact, it happens all the time. men, women, boys and girls are seemingly incapable of monogamy, as if it were some incurable disease we still haven’t manufactured the magic pill for. people cheat so often it’s practically absurd formal pairings (e.g. husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, fiances) even exist. or have ever existed, for that matter.

sillier still is that it doesn’t even matter what type of relationship partners are in or if they feel love and respect for their significant other. people simply must cheat. they really do. some are even so bold as to prep you with it outright as the courtship begins: “imma player bitch! yeeee!” ever hear that? yeah, probably not (note: this is where you step in and tell me i have a healthy yet flagrant obsession with stereotypes. thanks).

while promiscuity’s frequency is a matter i could discuss at great length, i’m actually more interested in what happens after – when said party gets caught and confronted. because while the reasons for cheating may be wrought with traces of insecurity, low self esteem, poor decision making or plain idiocy, the cover up that follows is where most people truly shine, metaphorically speaking. (and no, i don’t buy darwin’s explanation. stop insisting)

but, before i go on, let me jump in for a minute and share my personal experience: i don’t cheat, never have. not on a girlfriend or anyone i’ve had an exclusive relationship with anyway. call me old-fashioned, disciplined, insane (if you will) but i think for me it’s more a matter of empathy. it would, in short, emotionally destroy me to find out that the person i trust and am sharing myself with disrespected me in that manner. so i actively choose not to put anyone in that exact position. empathy, what more can i say. oh yeah, this.

it’s also the reason infidelity in my book is as definite a dealbreaker as a swift hard kick to the nuts is painful. there is no parting gift and no, i won’t forgive you. just walk away, quickly. now, that’s not to say i haven’t been cheated on. i have. but i only found out after i had broken it off for other reasons, so it didn’t weigh on me as much. (fun fact: this same one girl who played me years back now recognizes i was the best thing that ever happened to her. women. ha!)

i got off track, my apologies. ah…getting caught. so, have you dear reader ever been there? the lipstick stains? the disheveled hair? the unexplained extended lunch and late nights? the used condom she finds still hanging off your now limp flapping cock because you forgot to take off? (real life gets graphic, what can i say) yeah, getting caught in the act is something else. the cornucopia of emotions: fear, shame, surprise, disappointment and anger all mix in to make the experience that much more human. the fact that 2nd degree murder suddenly becomes a legal viable immediate option for the catcher gives cheating that extra thrilling edge. the sheer humanity (and frequency) of it all is impressive in my book.

then it gets stupid. he/she starts to lie, beg, insist you’ve been seeing things or are projecting your own dishonesty into an otherwise “healthy” relationship. some are brave and wise enough to leave their partners, others want an explanation (insert more lying), a second chance (insert insecurity/inability to be alone) or the opportunity at revenge (insert evil and a cycle of pain and humiliation that will never ever ever stop).

i understand it’s different for married couples with children and more difficult on the elderly to walk away and start again. but what option do you have? (numerically speaking they’re probably endless but i won’t go there right now) do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? who is incapable of communicating their personal or shared problems and so takes it out by screwing another, potentially contracting an std or worse? an individual you share a bed with but can’t trust?

i’m going off on a rant again. sorry. you probably have no issue with cheating whatsoever. in fact you’re doing it right now. shame on you! i know where you live. no i don’t. what was i saying? oh yeah, stop cheating.

in old english this time

wordpress, my love, i have neglected thee of late. time has not been a friend and the inspiration that normally scribbles these words has gone off and voyaged with another muse. that dirty tramp!

i shall make my way back to this world in the coming days. meanwhile be certain to visit my favorite source of random diversified stimulation, authored by none other than the magnanimous and preeminent mr. kottke.

long nights

have no fear
for when I’m alone
i’ll be better off than i was before

i’ve got this light
i’ll be around to grow
who I was before
i cannot recall

long nights allow me to feel
i’m falling
i am falling
the lights go out
let me feel
i’m falling
i am falling safely to the ground

i’ll take this soul that’s inside me now
like a brand new friend
i’ll forever know

i’ve got this light
and the will to show
i will always be better than before

long nights allow me to feel
i’m falling
i am falling
the lights go out
let me feel
i’m falling
i am falling safely to the ground

listen/dowload here

into the mouth of madness

i haven’t written a word this week, sorry…i was busy courting the devil. apparently she wants my mind, my soul and the curly nodes of hair growing wildly on my chest. by monday she’ll give me an answer. and if all goes as i had never planned i’ll sign my name with blood and begin my march to DC as a soldier in hell’s army.

see, when i began observing the ways of the world, systems and their processes, i quickly understood that today’s most detrimental forces were all dressed in the same gloriously bloody sheets. led by a cheap yet convincing philosophy these same linens would serve to envelop and nurture, digest and mercilessly discard followers and opponents alike. it certainly wasn’t pretty when these robed agents promising progress, development and disney’s happily ever after first appeared centuries ago. more momentous still will be the day when (in the coming decades) they slowly, necessarily fade away.

no boys and girls, this isn’t fiction. it’s the bleak short and long term reality so many of us live and many more of us suffer. and i am racing towards it with these same tired eyes wide open, my mouth firmly shut, and a poison tipped syringe fixed in each hand.

only from the inside can this devil be destroyed, they say. only from the inside.

the nature of things

who are you? better yet, what are you? if my high school biology classes taught me anything, it’s that we’re matter (star dust for you romantics), the stuff of nature configured and purposely lumped together to give us humans this form, these functions, certain limits and a host of strengths. we’re matter, composed of atoms, just like everything else in this expanding mind-bogglingly large universe. boring stuff, right? well, if you’ve gotten this far into the paragraph and you’re still curious, congratulations! do read on because i’m gonna go quantum physics crazy on your ass (in a good way). and if not, it’s your loss and i couldn’t give two shits…you pompous belly scratching self-important idiot. i digress.

matter, atoms, you and me, are the building blocks of absolutely everything. i repeat: everything! yet, it turns out they’re nothing but a whole bunch of mysterious empty space. how much empty space? enough for me to confidently tell you that these words you’re reading don’t exist, that your monitor should technically be transparent and that anything you see and touch is for the most part invisible. how invisible? somewhere around 96 percent invisible. that’s bullshit, right? i swear i’m not making this up.

for this to make any sense whatsoever i’m going to reluctantly give you a quick science lesson (no, it’s not my field* and no, i can’t avoid it. don’t worry though, it’s been dumbed down enough for anyone to understand). see, the atom is amongst the tiniest structures known to man. it’s composed of a central nucleus surrounded by a cloud of electrons bound by an electromagnetic force. in layman’s terms it’s basically a really small dot holding positive, negative and neutral charges as seen here (note: image not drawn to scale and colors are probably not representative either. blame the british educational system, what can i say). now, these charged elements have structural mass and density. they can be seen and identified just like whatever you’re looking at now, have ever seen or will ever touch. and here comes the mindfuck: these elements only compose about 4 percent of the atom’s physical observable anatomy. and the other 96 percent? ummm, well, that’s what nobody knows. experts today hypothesize it’s a mixture of dark matter (22%) and dark energy (74%) – the same stuff that makes up most of the universe. they’re both invisible to the eye, scientific instruments and are still only speculative.

which brings me to this next logical question: what the fuck?! wait, sorry, that wasn’t the question. what i meant to ask was: what the fuck?! damn it!

ok, inquiries aside…let me go about this another way. imagine a world where only a small fraction of what you experienced was real…let’s say 4 percent real. and the rest is, in theory, a completely flexible illusion powerful enough to rearrange, bend and break everything you’ve ever understood. a world where most of what is tangible is not, of what is visible in fact isn’t, and where nothing observable exists but countless organized microscopic particles floating neatly in an otherwise empty space. the possibilities in a world with such characteristics are endless. let me repeat that: anything, whatsoever, is possible. no rules, no logic, and no ethics. nothing is constant and nothing is absolute (no, i’m not quoting the matrix, but thanks for playing along).

now, look around for a minute and allow me to welcome to that world of infinite possibilities. yeah, that’s right, you’re sitting smack in the middle of it. why? because we’re made up of the same stuff, the same empty atomic illusion so convincingly tied together you could swear it’s real. bring this full circle to the question posed way up in the first line of this post and you’re left with a very simple answer: physically speaking you’re nothing. you’re everything. you’re potential in its purest form.

*disclaimer: i’m no physicist and understand there are details i’m leaving out for lack of knowledge in the field. i saw this on the discovery channel. sue me.